As I am getting older there is one thing that is starting to weigh heavy on my heart. Call me a feminist if you will but I am getting sick of the things people say to girls/women. We were raised by three people; an independent grandmother who raised 4 kids and 8 grand kids while grandpa was gone working. She hung ceiling fans, fixed toilets, and built chicken coops. We also were raised by a mother who taught us we could do anything we put our mind to, and a single father who taught us about hockey, living on a farm, and how to properly shake a person's hand. Maybe that is why we are the way we are, and that is why as we get older we continuously get angry when people say things like "you have a firm handshake...for a girl." I mean really, is that supposed to be a compliment? I think I'm going to start saying that sort of thing to men.
For those of you who don't know me very well let me start by telling you this, because this is where this post started to develop in my brain. I love hockey, the St. Louis Blues are my team, but if there are other games on channels that I receive, they will be on my TV. I know a lot about hockey and not just Blues hockey. I know players, teams, stats, rules, coaches...you get my point. My dad raised me to love hockey and as I got older I fell away from it, but have found myself falling in love with the sport and my local team all over again.
It all started a few months ago when I was at work with the Blues game on the TVs, as I walked past the bar I glanced at the TV and saw that we had just scored. All I could see on the TV when I walked by was our number 26 celebrating, I couldn't read the last name on his jersey, I just saw the number. I said, "oh yeah Stastny," as I walked by. Someone at the bar looked at me and said, "wow, you know names just by seeing their numbers?" I instantly felt angry. Would he have said that to a man? I'm pretty sure we all know the answer to that. Then, just two nights ago I was just having a casual chat with a coworker (a Red Wings fan) about back up goalies. This is how our conversation went:
Me: "man I feel so bad for Bryzgalov, the Ducks backup, he is really struggling."
Him: "I can't believe you know his name."
Me: "why, because I'm a girl?"
Him: "Well, yeah."
I get so sick of having to prove to men that I know just as such about a sport as other men do.
-Sierra
When discussing "sexism" and misogyny, a major sticking point has always been "how do you know if something that's been said is actually offensive"? Of course there are many shades of grey and no simple answer to this but a good rule of thumb is always "would you say that to a man?" In most traditionally male dominated areas (sports and, lets face it, almost any profession) the answer is often times "yeah...no way."
I've been in the restaurant business for over ten years, part as a server and mostly as a bartender and there are examples everyday of little comments and questions directed at me that would never be said to a man in my position. Most of these are along the lines of "do you know anything about whiskey?" or my personal favorite "do you even know how to make a Manhattan?" The underlying assumption being that I have no clue what I'm doing and was just hired based on my gender. I've actually had somebody say that to my face, but that's another story. One particular incident that will always stick out in my mind happened several months ago at the place I'm currently working. A gentleman sat down and asked what rye I would suggest for a Manhattan and I told him what my favorite was at the time. He immediately laughed it off and let me know that particular one wasn't good enough for him. Whatever, I made his drink with his choice and shrugged it off. Some time later our bearded, rugged, manly chef came behind the bar and this customer started chatting him up about whiskey. He asked Chef what his favorite was and of course Chef said the one I had suggested (its a damn good rye). Chef poured this guy a shot and lo and behold, the customer loved it. He even went so far as to look at me and go "wow, guess I owe you an apology!" But the point had already been made. The 120 pound girl in a dress couldn't possibly know what she was talking about, even if she is a trained professional. Thank God there was a man there to let this fellow man know that it was okay to try the whiskey and he wouldn't start his period instantly (or whatever it is that idiots think will happen if they treat a woman like a person).
The question remains however, "what's the big deal?" Is it really that bad to have to answer a few dumb questions or fend off a few ignorant remarks? To understand why a woman might get so angry about this you have to, like in so many other social situations, look not at the words said, but the sentiment behind them. More often than not I cant shake the feeling that the underlying message is "its your duty as a woman to prove yourself to me". Men at hockey game aren't asked if they know the players numbers because they belong there. They don't have to prove themselves because in the mind of the other men they have earned their right to be a fan simply by existing. A male bartender isn't impressive when they know whiskey because its understood they deserve their job...because they're a man. Until we start to really ask ourselves why it is that men feel a god given right to any space they choose to inhabit and any hobby they choose for themselves, we're always going to have to prove to them that we "deserve" the respect they take for granted everyday. And I'm always going to be angry about it.
-Kandi
Sincerely,
The Millers
