My New Normal

My councilor calls it my "New Normal," living without out you is my new normal and I have to deal with it. Dealing with it isn't easy, life isn't easy anymore.  I will say the past two weeks have been "better," but not easy. I'm waiting, waiting to wake up someday, but I have to keep telling myself that this is my new normal. 

I hate the word normal, nothing about you or me is or ever will be normal. People don't have relationship like we have (I refuse to say had.) 23 years of a closer friendship than most people will ever experience isn't normal. I don't think we ever got in a fight, you got on my nerves once or twice and I know I got on yours, but we ever fought. You told me things I know for a fact that no one else knows and I told you my secrets. I still hold the "one secret" I was sworn to take to my grave and it will go to the grave. 

We used text so much that I am now keeping a journal and every time I have something to tell you I write it in there. It isn't the same, but it is better than nothing. I'll never get used to you being gone, but it is supposed to become my new normal. 

One of the very last intense conversations we had was about how you had made something of your life, and now I promise to make something of mine. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, but I am going and I will finish, for you.   Life is worth living and loving, I will make something out of myself.

I miss you more than words and explain, I will see you one day, but until then, never cupped, always laced.

Dreams

I have been having dreams about Lana, at first I was really nervous about the thought of having dreams about her, but they are comforting, actually. In them I hear her voice perfectly, which is something I have been longing for. I have never been the type of person that has really vivid or put together dreams, they are just here and there and never really create a story, so I just have bits and pieces of her.

The first one I was sitting in her old room at her dad's house with her sister just hanging out, and she came back from being gone for a long time (I don't know where she was,) and when she came back we hugged forever. She told me how much she loved and missed me and that I was like a sister to her. 

The next one was she was getting ready to leave for a long time and she wanted to see me before she left. She told me how much I meant to her and that I would always hold a special place in her heart that no one else would ever hold.

The third one was just very short and all I remember was that she was in it.

I know how Lana felt about me, and I know that we had a relationship unlike any other, but it was really nice to hear her say it again. I'm not saying that her and I had a better friendship than any of her other friends, we just had a longer more sisterly one. I have been keeping a journal about every time I want to text or talk to her, which has also been comforting. 

I actually have been doing pretty good lately, I catch myself crying a lot less (it still happens), but not as much. I'm learning to keep thinking about the good and not the bad. I want more than ANYTHING to see her again and laugh with her again, but I know someday that will happen, but right now I have to just wait to see her in my sleep.

I love you Lonnie, and remember, "never cupped always laced!"

One Month of Pain

Last night I had a very very vivid dream that you were in. It was so real that I woke up and forgot about the reality that has become my life, my life you are not in it. It has been a month, and everyday I think about you. My heart is still broken, but I am doing my best to continue on with my life. All I want is to hear you and see you, and squeeze you. I want to talk about our childhood, like we did on a daily basis. I am still struggling with how I am supposed to live in a world without you. I miss you so much, you have been my best friend for 23 years! 23 years of history together, and now, what am I supposed to do!? 

Seeing you in my dream last night was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I got to hear your voice, and it sounded just like you. We hugged for like 2 whole minutes, which was amazing. When I woke up though, it hit me that it was just a dream. I know you are here with me, I know you are with me every single day, and that gives me some peace, but the fact that you are not tangible, is still unreal. I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Your man, J Biebs is doing great. Matt, Danny, and I took him on an adventure the other day. We went to the woods of campus and he went with us, so we could film him or a project Matt had for school. We are introducing him to new music, I'm sure he is living the dream. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much! Thank you for being my best friend for 23 whole years. You made my life worth living.  

Life

As is sit here alone I can't help but not write. I haven't been alone since my life came crashing down on top of me. I'm not good alone, I think too much when I'm alone. It has been over two weeks and it still feels like I'm going to wake up any moment and everything will be okay, but I know that will never happen. I try my hardest to only talk about the good and not the bad, I seem to be doing a pretty good job at being successful, but when I'm alone and I have no one to talk to I find myself thinking about the bad. 

I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it through this, but then I think I'm not so sure I can. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Her and I have such a long history that I see about 100 things a day that make me think of her and when I see these things I fall apart. I lost it at work yesterday because two little girls were covered head to toe in Hello Kitty. Funny things happen everyday that make me want to text her so we can laugh about it, but I can't. 

Life is hard, it is so hard right now. People don't know what to say to me when they see me, my husband doesn't know what to say to take the pain away and it is killing him. No one can take this pain away, I just keep praying that it will get easier some day. I know she is with Jesus, I know she is good where she is, but I'm not good. 

I Survive

I Survive-We Came as Romans

Holding on with all I have inside

For the sake of my life

I'm pulled underwater

Crying out I call

For anyone to share this fight

But I'm sinking farther

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

Waiting for the day

This storm will pass and leave my life

It only makes me stronger

I don't want to wait,

But all that has been on my mind

Is how much longer?

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

I will keep my

Head and heart above the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

My heart is tired but it's not breaking (It's not breaking)

Now I'm awakened (I'm awakened)

No matter what the cost is, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

Because Life is Hard

Right now life is hard....it's hard to get out of bed each morning...it's hard to go to bed a night...it's hard to wait on tables of happy people....it's hard to read people's happy posts on facebook. Life is hard. 

My best friend of 23 years was taken from me and I don't know how to live a life where she isn't in it. Every single day, almost every single hour I see something that reminds me of her. I'm running out of ideas to keep going. I'm trying to think of the good, the 23 years of memories I have of her:

The home videos at Grandmas
The fishing and swimming all.day.long
The Woodrows (our band we created while sitting on the top of a woodpile)
Meeting in the woods between our houses
Sleeping in the same bed at least once a week
Setting up an obstacle course in my bedroom after watching Cadet Kelly
"Never cupped, always laced"
Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons
The Spice Girls, Aaron Cater, Backstreet Boys
Minute Maid Juice Pops and Flintstones Push Ups.
Shopping....so.much.shopping
Our "Girls Rule, Boys Drool" shirts...actually, all of our matching clothes, hats, and purses. 
Mario, Pokemon, Donkey Kong
HAMTARO...Little Hamsters, Big Adventures!!
Barbies and Bratz
"Speak"
Our websites...
"Be Nice to Grandma!"
"Thanks grama"
A Goofy Movie-"Stand out, above the crowd"
"Arnie...."
You always had a crush on Arnold from Hey Arnold
The drive at 2:00am to Kinmundy
"Close your eyes!"
Sledding
You were with me when my two front teeth were knocked out
Rino
"Everybody Mingle"
Your monkey PJs...mine had mice on them
Lightyear, Buzz
Woods, Elle
"DUH....a big red truck"
You and CB's stupid Jelly Shoes
That time we tried to catch that Water Moccasin
Your eye patch
You wouldn't stay in the pool if anyone got out to go pee, because you were scared of alligators 
The Creepettes!
Mermaids in Grandma's pool
That time we took our pictures at the lake and made CB sit on the rock by herself

(These are just a few and these only go up until 2004...)

Today two things happened the the first thing I thought was "I need to text Lana and tell her that..." Then it hit me and my heart was broken..again. I can't believe that you are gone, I cry everyday because I miss your voice, your laugh, your stupid jokes, the fact that you didn't know what pumpkin cheesecake was, the inside jokes we talked about daily. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much, but I know that you are with Jesus, and that someday we will be together again. Thank you for being my best friend and making more memories with me than anyone else. 

I'm learning to live my life without you, but I feel like it is not getting any easier. Someday I'll be able to tell my children about you. The people outside of our family don't completely understand our relationship, we are so much more than best friends and so much more than cousins. 

I will never forget....I love you, my love! 

My Advice for Young Girls

1. Be classy, not trashy

2. It's okay to go a day without makeup

3. It's also okay to go a day without your phone (just make sure you tell your parents, so they don't think you're dead.

4. Don't throw yourself at boys

5. Don't flirt with other girls' boyfriends

6. Guys can be some of the best friends you'll find.

7. Spend A LOT of time with your parents and grandparents, I promise they have cooler things to say than you think.

8. Don't be embarrassed to go in public with them either.

9. Let your hair be natural, flat irons are overrated.

10. It's not cool or classy to brag about being drunk.

11. Treat people with respect

12. Have a girls night and eat lots of junk food.

13. It's okay to cry over a boy, just not too long.

14. Don't be ashamed of the things you love that aren't "cool."

15. Read romance novels

16. Paint your nails

17. You can tan too much.

18. Don't sleep in your makeup....EVER.

19. Don't date boys who don't treat you like a princess...but NEVER act like one.

20. Shake hands when you meet new people

21. Say please, thank you, ma'am, and sir.

22. Hold the door for people.

23. Having a guy open the car door for you is overrated, you can open your own door.

24. It's okay to have a Friday night in with your family.

25. Try hard in school

26. Always think about others before yourself

27. Don't use people

28. Don't make fun of people, it solves nothing.

29. Befriend the people who are made fun of.

30. Cartoons are better than reality TV.

31. Wear clothes that fit.

32. Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.

33. Name brands aren't worth the money.

34. Look good.....feel good.

35. Take vitamins

36. Learn to cook/bake.

37. Listen when people talk.

38. Be unique.

39. Dream big.

40. Have a great group of girls whom love the same stuff you do.