In Heaven Everything is Fine

I cried last night....a lot. More than I have in several weeks. It just hit me, like a big yellow school bus (Mean Girls reference.) Everyday is different, some are good, some are okay, some are bad, and some are terrible. I am having trouble with the fact that I am afraid I'm going to forget her voice, which I know is silly, but it is what my mind is telling me. I blame Satan...he is easy to blame things on. I really really wanted to dream about her last night, but that did not happen...maybe she was having a bad hair day and did not want me to see. I want to see her so bad, but I want to see the real her...it will happen one day.

Today while I was driving I thought about seeing her again in Heaven and the first thought in my head was "I hope Heaven is ready for her and I together after all this time. We have so much to catch up on, there will be a lot of screaming and laughing...no tears though, "no tears, no tears up there" (old church hymn reference.) 

I also said these words to Matt today, "I never thought you would have another girl's initials tattooed on your body." They were so close, and I haven't seen him cry since the funeral. I asked him last night why he doesn't cry, his reply was, "I do, just not in front of you." 

My sister told me that her doctor told her "when tragedy happens after about two or three months that's when it really hits and gets worse for awhile." I am to that point. 

Life is hard....

I bought these at our favorite store as girls...Claire's. I am going to put her picture in the Cousins one and wear her with me.

  

For the Love of Books!!!

This is the first non sad blog I've written in the last two month. I have to try and get my life back to some sort of normal, so here goes...

I've been thinking a lot about my love for reading lately. As a kid I hated reading, I was so bad at it, I would read a page and have no clue what I read, I would get frustrated when I couldn't sound something out and just guess what I thought it was, and it took me forever to get through a book. My parents and grandparents always read to us, and I loved being read to, but when I had to do it myself I just couldn't (I'm an auditory learner.) When I was really young my trouble with reading really wasn't a big deal, until Accelerated Reading came around. Do you remember it? If you don't let me explain. It was a reading program that almost every school in my area did. At the beginning of the year everyone would take a test and you would get your reading level. Mine was always like 3 grades behind what I really was. Then based on that you had a number of points you had to achieve for a grade in reading class. You got books in your reading level then took tests on the book you read to get your points. I hated it!!!  In order for me to actually get my points I would get a book and my grandma would read me a page out loud then I would read a page to her out loud. We would do this for hours and usually with Little House on the Prairie books. It would take forever, but that was the only way I could pass the tests. I couldn't tell you how many books her and I got through that way. 

When I got to high school I had to read the novels for English and I hated that too, but we would read out loud in class, and talk about what we read (unlike Accelerated, where everyone worked/read alone) so I was able to follow the story enough to know what was going on and get good grades/ Then one day Lana, whom didn't like to read came to me and told me I HAD to read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, so I did and it changed everything. I read all her books I could get my hands on and still to this day I continue to read her stuff.  Reading a book I was into and where I didn't have a time limit to read it changed everything. Then one of my best friends in high school, Alyssa loved to read and she encouraged me to keep reading, by telling me about the books she was reading. 

Now, as an adult it is my favorite thing to do. I'm still not very fast at reading, but I understand what I read and, unlike when I was a kid I can read with things going on around me. Husband's game or music, TV, people talking, anything, I can just tune it out and focus on what I'm reading. It is crazy how practice makes perfect.

This is 100% why I want a reading endorsement for teaching. So I can be the one to help kids who struggle find the things that work for them to help them learn and love to read. So thank you to everyone who helped development my love of reading.  

My New Normal

My councilor calls it my "New Normal," living without out you is my new normal and I have to deal with it. Dealing with it isn't easy, life isn't easy anymore.  I will say the past two weeks have been "better," but not easy. I'm waiting, waiting to wake up someday, but I have to keep telling myself that this is my new normal. 

I hate the word normal, nothing about you or me is or ever will be normal. People don't have relationship like we have (I refuse to say had.) 23 years of a closer friendship than most people will ever experience isn't normal. I don't think we ever got in a fight, you got on my nerves once or twice and I know I got on yours, but we ever fought. You told me things I know for a fact that no one else knows and I told you my secrets. I still hold the "one secret" I was sworn to take to my grave and it will go to the grave. 

We used text so much that I am now keeping a journal and every time I have something to tell you I write it in there. It isn't the same, but it is better than nothing. I'll never get used to you being gone, but it is supposed to become my new normal. 

One of the very last intense conversations we had was about how you had made something of your life, and now I promise to make something of mine. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, but I am going and I will finish, for you.   Life is worth living and loving, I will make something out of myself.

I miss you more than words and explain, I will see you one day, but until then, never cupped, always laced.

Dreams

I have been having dreams about Lana, at first I was really nervous about the thought of having dreams about her, but they are comforting, actually. In them I hear her voice perfectly, which is something I have been longing for. I have never been the type of person that has really vivid or put together dreams, they are just here and there and never really create a story, so I just have bits and pieces of her.

The first one I was sitting in her old room at her dad's house with her sister just hanging out, and she came back from being gone for a long time (I don't know where she was,) and when she came back we hugged forever. She told me how much she loved and missed me and that I was like a sister to her. 

The next one was she was getting ready to leave for a long time and she wanted to see me before she left. She told me how much I meant to her and that I would always hold a special place in her heart that no one else would ever hold.

The third one was just very short and all I remember was that she was in it.

I know how Lana felt about me, and I know that we had a relationship unlike any other, but it was really nice to hear her say it again. I'm not saying that her and I had a better friendship than any of her other friends, we just had a longer more sisterly one. I have been keeping a journal about every time I want to text or talk to her, which has also been comforting. 

I actually have been doing pretty good lately, I catch myself crying a lot less (it still happens), but not as much. I'm learning to keep thinking about the good and not the bad. I want more than ANYTHING to see her again and laugh with her again, but I know someday that will happen, but right now I have to just wait to see her in my sleep.

I love you Lonnie, and remember, "never cupped always laced!"

One Month of Pain

Last night I had a very very vivid dream that you were in. It was so real that I woke up and forgot about the reality that has become my life, my life you are not in it. It has been a month, and everyday I think about you. My heart is still broken, but I am doing my best to continue on with my life. All I want is to hear you and see you, and squeeze you. I want to talk about our childhood, like we did on a daily basis. I am still struggling with how I am supposed to live in a world without you. I miss you so much, you have been my best friend for 23 years! 23 years of history together, and now, what am I supposed to do!? 

Seeing you in my dream last night was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I got to hear your voice, and it sounded just like you. We hugged for like 2 whole minutes, which was amazing. When I woke up though, it hit me that it was just a dream. I know you are here with me, I know you are with me every single day, and that gives me some peace, but the fact that you are not tangible, is still unreal. I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Your man, J Biebs is doing great. Matt, Danny, and I took him on an adventure the other day. We went to the woods of campus and he went with us, so we could film him or a project Matt had for school. We are introducing him to new music, I'm sure he is living the dream. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much! Thank you for being my best friend for 23 whole years. You made my life worth living.  

Life

As is sit here alone I can't help but not write. I haven't been alone since my life came crashing down on top of me. I'm not good alone, I think too much when I'm alone. It has been over two weeks and it still feels like I'm going to wake up any moment and everything will be okay, but I know that will never happen. I try my hardest to only talk about the good and not the bad, I seem to be doing a pretty good job at being successful, but when I'm alone and I have no one to talk to I find myself thinking about the bad. 

I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it through this, but then I think I'm not so sure I can. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Her and I have such a long history that I see about 100 things a day that make me think of her and when I see these things I fall apart. I lost it at work yesterday because two little girls were covered head to toe in Hello Kitty. Funny things happen everyday that make me want to text her so we can laugh about it, but I can't. 

Life is hard, it is so hard right now. People don't know what to say to me when they see me, my husband doesn't know what to say to take the pain away and it is killing him. No one can take this pain away, I just keep praying that it will get easier some day. I know she is with Jesus, I know she is good where she is, but I'm not good. 

I Survive

I Survive-We Came as Romans

Holding on with all I have inside

For the sake of my life

I'm pulled underwater

Crying out I call

For anyone to share this fight

But I'm sinking farther

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

Waiting for the day

This storm will pass and leave my life

It only makes me stronger

I don't want to wait,

But all that has been on my mind

Is how much longer?

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

I will keep my

Head and heart above the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

My heart is tired but it's not breaking (It's not breaking)

Now I'm awakened (I'm awakened)

No matter what the cost is, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)