Life

As is sit here alone I can't help but not write. I haven't been alone since my life came crashing down on top of me. I'm not good alone, I think too much when I'm alone. It has been over two weeks and it still feels like I'm going to wake up any moment and everything will be okay, but I know that will never happen. I try my hardest to only talk about the good and not the bad, I seem to be doing a pretty good job at being successful, but when I'm alone and I have no one to talk to I find myself thinking about the bad. 

I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it through this, but then I think I'm not so sure I can. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Her and I have such a long history that I see about 100 things a day that make me think of her and when I see these things I fall apart. I lost it at work yesterday because two little girls were covered head to toe in Hello Kitty. Funny things happen everyday that make me want to text her so we can laugh about it, but I can't. 

Life is hard, it is so hard right now. People don't know what to say to me when they see me, my husband doesn't know what to say to take the pain away and it is killing him. No one can take this pain away, I just keep praying that it will get easier some day. I know she is with Jesus, I know she is good where she is, but I'm not good. 

I Survive

I Survive-We Came as Romans

Holding on with all I have inside

For the sake of my life

I'm pulled underwater

Crying out I call

For anyone to share this fight

But I'm sinking farther

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

Waiting for the day

This storm will pass and leave my life

It only makes me stronger

I don't want to wait,

But all that has been on my mind

Is how much longer?

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

I will keep my

Head and heart above the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

My heart is tired but it's not breaking (It's not breaking)

Now I'm awakened (I'm awakened)

No matter what the cost is, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

Because Life is Hard

Right now life is hard....it's hard to get out of bed each morning...it's hard to go to bed a night...it's hard to wait on tables of happy people....it's hard to read people's happy posts on facebook. Life is hard. 

My best friend of 23 years was taken from me and I don't know how to live a life where she isn't in it. Every single day, almost every single hour I see something that reminds me of her. I'm running out of ideas to keep going. I'm trying to think of the good, the 23 years of memories I have of her:

The home videos at Grandmas
The fishing and swimming all.day.long
The Woodrows (our band we created while sitting on the top of a woodpile)
Meeting in the woods between our houses
Sleeping in the same bed at least once a week
Setting up an obstacle course in my bedroom after watching Cadet Kelly
"Never cupped, always laced"
Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons
The Spice Girls, Aaron Cater, Backstreet Boys
Minute Maid Juice Pops and Flintstones Push Ups.
Shopping....so.much.shopping
Our "Girls Rule, Boys Drool" shirts...actually, all of our matching clothes, hats, and purses. 
Mario, Pokemon, Donkey Kong
HAMTARO...Little Hamsters, Big Adventures!!
Barbies and Bratz
"Speak"
Our websites...
"Be Nice to Grandma!"
"Thanks grama"
A Goofy Movie-"Stand out, above the crowd"
"Arnie...."
You always had a crush on Arnold from Hey Arnold
The drive at 2:00am to Kinmundy
"Close your eyes!"
Sledding
You were with me when my two front teeth were knocked out
Rino
"Everybody Mingle"
Your monkey PJs...mine had mice on them
Lightyear, Buzz
Woods, Elle
"DUH....a big red truck"
You and CB's stupid Jelly Shoes
That time we tried to catch that Water Moccasin
Your eye patch
You wouldn't stay in the pool if anyone got out to go pee, because you were scared of alligators 
The Creepettes!
Mermaids in Grandma's pool
That time we took our pictures at the lake and made CB sit on the rock by herself

(These are just a few and these only go up until 2004...)

Today two things happened the the first thing I thought was "I need to text Lana and tell her that..." Then it hit me and my heart was broken..again. I can't believe that you are gone, I cry everyday because I miss your voice, your laugh, your stupid jokes, the fact that you didn't know what pumpkin cheesecake was, the inside jokes we talked about daily. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much, but I know that you are with Jesus, and that someday we will be together again. Thank you for being my best friend and making more memories with me than anyone else. 

I'm learning to live my life without you, but I feel like it is not getting any easier. Someday I'll be able to tell my children about you. The people outside of our family don't completely understand our relationship, we are so much more than best friends and so much more than cousins. 

I will never forget....I love you, my love!