Dreams

I have been having dreams about Lana, at first I was really nervous about the thought of having dreams about her, but they are comforting, actually. In them I hear her voice perfectly, which is something I have been longing for. I have never been the type of person that has really vivid or put together dreams, they are just here and there and never really create a story, so I just have bits and pieces of her.

The first one I was sitting in her old room at her dad's house with her sister just hanging out, and she came back from being gone for a long time (I don't know where she was,) and when she came back we hugged forever. She told me how much she loved and missed me and that I was like a sister to her. 

The next one was she was getting ready to leave for a long time and she wanted to see me before she left. She told me how much I meant to her and that I would always hold a special place in her heart that no one else would ever hold.

The third one was just very short and all I remember was that she was in it.

I know how Lana felt about me, and I know that we had a relationship unlike any other, but it was really nice to hear her say it again. I'm not saying that her and I had a better friendship than any of her other friends, we just had a longer more sisterly one. I have been keeping a journal about every time I want to text or talk to her, which has also been comforting. 

I actually have been doing pretty good lately, I catch myself crying a lot less (it still happens), but not as much. I'm learning to keep thinking about the good and not the bad. I want more than ANYTHING to see her again and laugh with her again, but I know someday that will happen, but right now I have to just wait to see her in my sleep.

I love you Lonnie, and remember, "never cupped always laced!"

One Month of Pain

Last night I had a very very vivid dream that you were in. It was so real that I woke up and forgot about the reality that has become my life, my life you are not in it. It has been a month, and everyday I think about you. My heart is still broken, but I am doing my best to continue on with my life. All I want is to hear you and see you, and squeeze you. I want to talk about our childhood, like we did on a daily basis. I am still struggling with how I am supposed to live in a world without you. I miss you so much, you have been my best friend for 23 years! 23 years of history together, and now, what am I supposed to do!? 

Seeing you in my dream last night was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I got to hear your voice, and it sounded just like you. We hugged for like 2 whole minutes, which was amazing. When I woke up though, it hit me that it was just a dream. I know you are here with me, I know you are with me every single day, and that gives me some peace, but the fact that you are not tangible, is still unreal. I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Your man, J Biebs is doing great. Matt, Danny, and I took him on an adventure the other day. We went to the woods of campus and he went with us, so we could film him or a project Matt had for school. We are introducing him to new music, I'm sure he is living the dream. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much! Thank you for being my best friend for 23 whole years. You made my life worth living.