run.

Matt is a Mass Communication major, which means he makes a lot of videos for school. He loves it, and so do I because I get to act again, something that I've been doing since 7th grade, but don't do that often any more. I also help him come up with ideas for videos. He is very talented in filming, and he didn't even know it. 

Getting the right shot, is hard work

And....action

Click below to see the video 
Our video from today

In Heaven Everything is Fine

I cried last night....a lot. More than I have in several weeks. It just hit me, like a big yellow school bus (Mean Girls reference.) Everyday is different, some are good, some are okay, some are bad, and some are terrible. I am having trouble with the fact that I am afraid I'm going to forget her voice, which I know is silly, but it is what my mind is telling me. I blame Satan...he is easy to blame things on. I really really wanted to dream about her last night, but that did not happen...maybe she was having a bad hair day and did not want me to see. I want to see her so bad, but I want to see the real her...it will happen one day.

Today while I was driving I thought about seeing her again in Heaven and the first thought in my head was "I hope Heaven is ready for her and I together after all this time. We have so much to catch up on, there will be a lot of screaming and laughing...no tears though, "no tears, no tears up there" (old church hymn reference.) 

I also said these words to Matt today, "I never thought you would have another girl's initials tattooed on your body." They were so close, and I haven't seen him cry since the funeral. I asked him last night why he doesn't cry, his reply was, "I do, just not in front of you." 

My sister told me that her doctor told her "when tragedy happens after about two or three months that's when it really hits and gets worse for awhile." I am to that point. 

Life is hard....

I bought these at our favorite store as girls...Claire's. I am going to put her picture in the Cousins one and wear her with me.

  

For the Love of Books!!!

This is the first non sad blog I've written in the last two month. I have to try and get my life back to some sort of normal, so here goes...

I've been thinking a lot about my love for reading lately. As a kid I hated reading, I was so bad at it, I would read a page and have no clue what I read, I would get frustrated when I couldn't sound something out and just guess what I thought it was, and it took me forever to get through a book. My parents and grandparents always read to us, and I loved being read to, but when I had to do it myself I just couldn't (I'm an auditory learner.) When I was really young my trouble with reading really wasn't a big deal, until Accelerated Reading came around. Do you remember it? If you don't let me explain. It was a reading program that almost every school in my area did. At the beginning of the year everyone would take a test and you would get your reading level. Mine was always like 3 grades behind what I really was. Then based on that you had a number of points you had to achieve for a grade in reading class. You got books in your reading level then took tests on the book you read to get your points. I hated it!!!  In order for me to actually get my points I would get a book and my grandma would read me a page out loud then I would read a page to her out loud. We would do this for hours and usually with Little House on the Prairie books. It would take forever, but that was the only way I could pass the tests. I couldn't tell you how many books her and I got through that way. 

When I got to high school I had to read the novels for English and I hated that too, but we would read out loud in class, and talk about what we read (unlike Accelerated, where everyone worked/read alone) so I was able to follow the story enough to know what was going on and get good grades/ Then one day Lana, whom didn't like to read came to me and told me I HAD to read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, so I did and it changed everything. I read all her books I could get my hands on and still to this day I continue to read her stuff.  Reading a book I was into and where I didn't have a time limit to read it changed everything. Then one of my best friends in high school, Alyssa loved to read and she encouraged me to keep reading, by telling me about the books she was reading. 

Now, as an adult it is my favorite thing to do. I'm still not very fast at reading, but I understand what I read and, unlike when I was a kid I can read with things going on around me. Husband's game or music, TV, people talking, anything, I can just tune it out and focus on what I'm reading. It is crazy how practice makes perfect.

This is 100% why I want a reading endorsement for teaching. So I can be the one to help kids who struggle find the things that work for them to help them learn and love to read. So thank you to everyone who helped development my love of reading.  

My New Normal

My councilor calls it my "New Normal," living without out you is my new normal and I have to deal with it. Dealing with it isn't easy, life isn't easy anymore.  I will say the past two weeks have been "better," but not easy. I'm waiting, waiting to wake up someday, but I have to keep telling myself that this is my new normal. 

I hate the word normal, nothing about you or me is or ever will be normal. People don't have relationship like we have (I refuse to say had.) 23 years of a closer friendship than most people will ever experience isn't normal. I don't think we ever got in a fight, you got on my nerves once or twice and I know I got on yours, but we ever fought. You told me things I know for a fact that no one else knows and I told you my secrets. I still hold the "one secret" I was sworn to take to my grave and it will go to the grave. 

We used text so much that I am now keeping a journal and every time I have something to tell you I write it in there. It isn't the same, but it is better than nothing. I'll never get used to you being gone, but it is supposed to become my new normal. 

One of the very last intense conversations we had was about how you had made something of your life, and now I promise to make something of mine. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, but I am going and I will finish, for you.   Life is worth living and loving, I will make something out of myself.

I miss you more than words and explain, I will see you one day, but until then, never cupped, always laced.