My New Normal

My councilor calls it my "New Normal," living without out you is my new normal and I have to deal with it. Dealing with it isn't easy, life isn't easy anymore.  I will say the past two weeks have been "better," but not easy. I'm waiting, waiting to wake up someday, but I have to keep telling myself that this is my new normal. 

I hate the word normal, nothing about you or me is or ever will be normal. People don't have relationship like we have (I refuse to say had.) 23 years of a closer friendship than most people will ever experience isn't normal. I don't think we ever got in a fight, you got on my nerves once or twice and I know I got on yours, but we ever fought. You told me things I know for a fact that no one else knows and I told you my secrets. I still hold the "one secret" I was sworn to take to my grave and it will go to the grave. 

We used text so much that I am now keeping a journal and every time I have something to tell you I write it in there. It isn't the same, but it is better than nothing. I'll never get used to you being gone, but it is supposed to become my new normal. 

One of the very last intense conversations we had was about how you had made something of your life, and now I promise to make something of mine. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, but I am going and I will finish, for you.   Life is worth living and loving, I will make something out of myself.

I miss you more than words and explain, I will see you one day, but until then, never cupped, always laced.