Seven years...

This exact time seven years ago I was spending my days, every day, all day, texting a boy I had met only a month earlier. On September 21, 2007 I went out on a limb and said yes to going on a date with that boy. A week later on September 28 we became Matt and Sierra, and have been ever since. Finding my future husband at the age of 18 was not what I had planned, but my plans didn't matter. 

He as brought me into a world of Christian metal, video games, Raiders football, only childhood, impressions, songs..so many songs, and more laughter than I could have ever imagined possible. I brought him into a world of books, siblings, farm life, swimming, fishing, holding hands, cupcakes, and laughs that include snorts. We strive to be the type of couple that make people believe in love again. We fight, sometimes yell (well I yell, he never yells) but mostly we just laugh. I never in a million years would have thought that someone would make me laugh as much as he does. Being around Matt is kinda like always being around a puppy. It is hard to hate Matt, just like it is hard to hate a puppy. 

We aren't like a lot of married people, we spend a lot of time doing our own things, and it works. He goes out of town with Beholder and I sit at home and watch more TV than I ever should, and it works. I go and stay weekends with my siblings and Matt hangs with his friends or family, and it works. It works because making a mountain out of a mole hill will destroy a relationship. I am by no means saying we are perfect or that we have it all figured out, but I am saying we make a pretty great team. I work with a guy who has told us on more than one occasion that we are the best married couple he has ever met, and let me tell you, nothing makes me more happy than that. 

The past seven years have not been a cake walk, but they have been perfectly imperfect. Perfection doesn't exist, but I'd like to think that I'm living the closest thing to it. 

So, here is to seven years Matty. Thank you for always being a shoulder to cry on, a high five, a kiss, a good laugh when I need it, but most importantly thanks to excepting me, and all my imperfections, oh and the fact that not only did you marry me, but you married Kandi, Garrett, and Dagger too.

The second picture of us ever taken, circa 2007

Why Our Generation Sucks

As I walked around campus today it hit me that our generation sucks. Now, this isn't to make anyone mad, and I am part of all this, so don't hate me. So why does our generation suck? I think it can be summed up in two words: smart phones. As a server I see couples or families coming out to eat and every single one of them are on their phone instead of talking. I hate that, when did we stop even being able to talk to our family?

We have come so dependent on phones that we have forgotten how to be real people. We don't want to talk on the phone, we want to text. Now, texting really is a great thing, and I do it a lot, but the fact that it is replacing our actual conversations is heart breaking. It is like we have forgotten how to be a human and we are kinda like robots. One thing that I hate more than anything is when I'm trying to talk to someone and they are texing someone else. Really, you can't just wait to text back until our conversation is over? 

The fact that Facebook and Twitter are at our fingertips 100% of the time is really annoying. Once again, I am including myself in this, because I check Facebook a lot. If you walk into a classroom 5 minutes before it starts, I promise you will see over half of the people sitting there on Facebook or Twitter. Is everyone else's lives so exciting that we must know everything they are doing? Why do we post our whole lives for the world to see? What happened to privacy? The fact that we can't use Facebook only in our free time means we have forgotten about real people interaction. Back in the day when I would walk into the classroom on that first day I would always strike up a conversation with someone sitting near me, but now I don't. Why? I don't need to, I'm checking out the world of Facebook. Apparently reading about a kid I spoke to twice in high school  going to the grocery store is much more exciting than meeting a new person, right? Wrong. 

The dumbest social media outlet that has taken over is Snapchat. I have Snapchat, and every time I send a snap I think to myself, this is so dumb, why am I doing this.  What is the point of sending a picture to someone that they can only see for like 10 seconds? We have forgotten how to really chat and now we just know how to Snapchat. 

So how does this mean that our generation suck? We suck because we are robots! We don't create friendships like we used to, we can't have real conversations, and we no longer talk on the phone. We are a social group of people and the only way we know how to be social is while looking at a screen. 

I'm not saying texting, Facebook, Twitter, and Snapchat are bad, I'm saying the addiction they have created is. Count how many times you get on Facebook, Twitter, or Snapchat in a day. I think the number will amaze you. Try having a real conversation with someone, instead of being glued to your phone. Look up, see the beauty in people and in the world around you. Notice other people's faces, their voice, what they are saying instead of posting.  Let's learn to be a humans again, let's pull away from the fact that we are turning into robots. 

Saber

On Sunday Matt and I went to my grandma's and saw something very small in the middle of the road. At first I thought it was a rabbit, but as we got closer we realized it was a kitten. When we got closer to the kitten it ran into a cornfield. We pulled over and I climbed out. As soon as I said "here kitty kitty," it ran right up to me and meowed. I picked her up and she climbed all over me and Matt in the car. We got her to my grandma's and gave her some food. She ate almost a whole can of cat food. We followed me around and wanted to be held and petted the whole time. 

Long story short as much as we wanted to keep her, we could not because we live in an apartment. My sister did end up taking her! We brought her home for one night until my sister could get her the next day. We is an amazing kitty. Wants to love and cuddle you, slept all night long, instantly used the litter box. She is perfect. I'm so glad Kandi took her because I get a picture of her everyday and I can still cuddle her and see her grow. In the less than 24 hours we had her I fell in love with her. Named dubbed her "Cutie" but her real name is Saber. 

We are so thankful we were able to save her life and now she has a great life with a big brother who loves to play, even though she only wants to play with pieces of paper. She went to the vet today, she is 6 months old and weighs 2 lbs. She got wormed and flied and all her shots. 

Relaxing with her new mom

run.

Matt is a Mass Communication major, which means he makes a lot of videos for school. He loves it, and so do I because I get to act again, something that I've been doing since 7th grade, but don't do that often any more. I also help him come up with ideas for videos. He is very talented in filming, and he didn't even know it. 

Getting the right shot, is hard work

And....action

Click below to see the video 
Our video from today

In Heaven Everything is Fine

I cried last night....a lot. More than I have in several weeks. It just hit me, like a big yellow school bus (Mean Girls reference.) Everyday is different, some are good, some are okay, some are bad, and some are terrible. I am having trouble with the fact that I am afraid I'm going to forget her voice, which I know is silly, but it is what my mind is telling me. I blame Satan...he is easy to blame things on. I really really wanted to dream about her last night, but that did not happen...maybe she was having a bad hair day and did not want me to see. I want to see her so bad, but I want to see the real her...it will happen one day.

Today while I was driving I thought about seeing her again in Heaven and the first thought in my head was "I hope Heaven is ready for her and I together after all this time. We have so much to catch up on, there will be a lot of screaming and laughing...no tears though, "no tears, no tears up there" (old church hymn reference.) 

I also said these words to Matt today, "I never thought you would have another girl's initials tattooed on your body." They were so close, and I haven't seen him cry since the funeral. I asked him last night why he doesn't cry, his reply was, "I do, just not in front of you." 

My sister told me that her doctor told her "when tragedy happens after about two or three months that's when it really hits and gets worse for awhile." I am to that point. 

Life is hard....

I bought these at our favorite store as girls...Claire's. I am going to put her picture in the Cousins one and wear her with me.

  

For the Love of Books!!!

This is the first non sad blog I've written in the last two month. I have to try and get my life back to some sort of normal, so here goes...

I've been thinking a lot about my love for reading lately. As a kid I hated reading, I was so bad at it, I would read a page and have no clue what I read, I would get frustrated when I couldn't sound something out and just guess what I thought it was, and it took me forever to get through a book. My parents and grandparents always read to us, and I loved being read to, but when I had to do it myself I just couldn't (I'm an auditory learner.) When I was really young my trouble with reading really wasn't a big deal, until Accelerated Reading came around. Do you remember it? If you don't let me explain. It was a reading program that almost every school in my area did. At the beginning of the year everyone would take a test and you would get your reading level. Mine was always like 3 grades behind what I really was. Then based on that you had a number of points you had to achieve for a grade in reading class. You got books in your reading level then took tests on the book you read to get your points. I hated it!!!  In order for me to actually get my points I would get a book and my grandma would read me a page out loud then I would read a page to her out loud. We would do this for hours and usually with Little House on the Prairie books. It would take forever, but that was the only way I could pass the tests. I couldn't tell you how many books her and I got through that way. 

When I got to high school I had to read the novels for English and I hated that too, but we would read out loud in class, and talk about what we read (unlike Accelerated, where everyone worked/read alone) so I was able to follow the story enough to know what was going on and get good grades/ Then one day Lana, whom didn't like to read came to me and told me I HAD to read the book Speak by Laurie Halse Anderson, so I did and it changed everything. I read all her books I could get my hands on and still to this day I continue to read her stuff.  Reading a book I was into and where I didn't have a time limit to read it changed everything. Then one of my best friends in high school, Alyssa loved to read and she encouraged me to keep reading, by telling me about the books she was reading. 

Now, as an adult it is my favorite thing to do. I'm still not very fast at reading, but I understand what I read and, unlike when I was a kid I can read with things going on around me. Husband's game or music, TV, people talking, anything, I can just tune it out and focus on what I'm reading. It is crazy how practice makes perfect.

This is 100% why I want a reading endorsement for teaching. So I can be the one to help kids who struggle find the things that work for them to help them learn and love to read. So thank you to everyone who helped development my love of reading.  

My New Normal

My councilor calls it my "New Normal," living without out you is my new normal and I have to deal with it. Dealing with it isn't easy, life isn't easy anymore.  I will say the past two weeks have been "better," but not easy. I'm waiting, waiting to wake up someday, but I have to keep telling myself that this is my new normal. 

I hate the word normal, nothing about you or me is or ever will be normal. People don't have relationship like we have (I refuse to say had.) 23 years of a closer friendship than most people will ever experience isn't normal. I don't think we ever got in a fight, you got on my nerves once or twice and I know I got on yours, but we ever fought. You told me things I know for a fact that no one else knows and I told you my secrets. I still hold the "one secret" I was sworn to take to my grave and it will go to the grave. 

We used text so much that I am now keeping a journal and every time I have something to tell you I write it in there. It isn't the same, but it is better than nothing. I'll never get used to you being gone, but it is supposed to become my new normal. 

One of the very last intense conversations we had was about how you had made something of your life, and now I promise to make something of mine. I absolutely do not want to go back to school, but I am going and I will finish, for you.   Life is worth living and loving, I will make something out of myself.

I miss you more than words and explain, I will see you one day, but until then, never cupped, always laced.

Dreams

I have been having dreams about Lana, at first I was really nervous about the thought of having dreams about her, but they are comforting, actually. In them I hear her voice perfectly, which is something I have been longing for. I have never been the type of person that has really vivid or put together dreams, they are just here and there and never really create a story, so I just have bits and pieces of her.

The first one I was sitting in her old room at her dad's house with her sister just hanging out, and she came back from being gone for a long time (I don't know where she was,) and when she came back we hugged forever. She told me how much she loved and missed me and that I was like a sister to her. 

The next one was she was getting ready to leave for a long time and she wanted to see me before she left. She told me how much I meant to her and that I would always hold a special place in her heart that no one else would ever hold.

The third one was just very short and all I remember was that she was in it.

I know how Lana felt about me, and I know that we had a relationship unlike any other, but it was really nice to hear her say it again. I'm not saying that her and I had a better friendship than any of her other friends, we just had a longer more sisterly one. I have been keeping a journal about every time I want to text or talk to her, which has also been comforting. 

I actually have been doing pretty good lately, I catch myself crying a lot less (it still happens), but not as much. I'm learning to keep thinking about the good and not the bad. I want more than ANYTHING to see her again and laugh with her again, but I know someday that will happen, but right now I have to just wait to see her in my sleep.

I love you Lonnie, and remember, "never cupped always laced!"

One Month of Pain

Last night I had a very very vivid dream that you were in. It was so real that I woke up and forgot about the reality that has become my life, my life you are not in it. It has been a month, and everyday I think about you. My heart is still broken, but I am doing my best to continue on with my life. All I want is to hear you and see you, and squeeze you. I want to talk about our childhood, like we did on a daily basis. I am still struggling with how I am supposed to live in a world without you. I miss you so much, you have been my best friend for 23 years! 23 years of history together, and now, what am I supposed to do!? 

Seeing you in my dream last night was wonderful and terrible at the same time. I got to hear your voice, and it sounded just like you. We hugged for like 2 whole minutes, which was amazing. When I woke up though, it hit me that it was just a dream. I know you are here with me, I know you are with me every single day, and that gives me some peace, but the fact that you are not tangible, is still unreal. I miss seeing your beautiful face.

Your man, J Biebs is doing great. Matt, Danny, and I took him on an adventure the other day. We went to the woods of campus and he went with us, so we could film him or a project Matt had for school. We are introducing him to new music, I'm sure he is living the dream. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much! Thank you for being my best friend for 23 whole years. You made my life worth living.  

Life

As is sit here alone I can't help but not write. I haven't been alone since my life came crashing down on top of me. I'm not good alone, I think too much when I'm alone. It has been over two weeks and it still feels like I'm going to wake up any moment and everything will be okay, but I know that will never happen. I try my hardest to only talk about the good and not the bad, I seem to be doing a pretty good job at being successful, but when I'm alone and I have no one to talk to I find myself thinking about the bad. 

I keep telling myself that I can do this, I can make it through this, but then I think I'm not so sure I can. My heart is broken and I don't know what to do. Her and I have such a long history that I see about 100 things a day that make me think of her and when I see these things I fall apart. I lost it at work yesterday because two little girls were covered head to toe in Hello Kitty. Funny things happen everyday that make me want to text her so we can laugh about it, but I can't. 

Life is hard, it is so hard right now. People don't know what to say to me when they see me, my husband doesn't know what to say to take the pain away and it is killing him. No one can take this pain away, I just keep praying that it will get easier some day. I know she is with Jesus, I know she is good where she is, but I'm not good. 

I Survive

I Survive-We Came as Romans

Holding on with all I have inside

For the sake of my life

I'm pulled underwater

Crying out I call

For anyone to share this fight

But I'm sinking farther

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

Waiting for the day

This storm will pass and leave my life

It only makes me stronger

I don't want to wait,

But all that has been on my mind

Is how much longer?

So weathered,

Worn and battered,

I will stay

Keep treading,

As I'm dreading the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

I will keep my

Head and heart above the waves

My hands are tied

But I will make it

I'm not shaken

Even when my mind's exhausted, I survive

My heart is tired but it's not breaking (It's not breaking)

Now I'm awakened (I'm awakened)

No matter what the cost is, I survive

And the world tries to drown you out (I survive)

Flooding your life like water-filled lungs (I survive)

And the waves try to wash you away (I survive)

Brace yourself, head high, heart strong (I survive)

Because Life is Hard

Right now life is hard....it's hard to get out of bed each morning...it's hard to go to bed a night...it's hard to wait on tables of happy people....it's hard to read people's happy posts on facebook. Life is hard. 

My best friend of 23 years was taken from me and I don't know how to live a life where she isn't in it. Every single day, almost every single hour I see something that reminds me of her. I'm running out of ideas to keep going. I'm trying to think of the good, the 23 years of memories I have of her:

The home videos at Grandmas
The fishing and swimming all.day.long
The Woodrows (our band we created while sitting on the top of a woodpile)
Meeting in the woods between our houses
Sleeping in the same bed at least once a week
Setting up an obstacle course in my bedroom after watching Cadet Kelly
"Never cupped, always laced"
Mary-Kate and Ashley marathons
The Spice Girls, Aaron Cater, Backstreet Boys
Minute Maid Juice Pops and Flintstones Push Ups.
Shopping....so.much.shopping
Our "Girls Rule, Boys Drool" shirts...actually, all of our matching clothes, hats, and purses. 
Mario, Pokemon, Donkey Kong
HAMTARO...Little Hamsters, Big Adventures!!
Barbies and Bratz
"Speak"
Our websites...
"Be Nice to Grandma!"
"Thanks grama"
A Goofy Movie-"Stand out, above the crowd"
"Arnie...."
You always had a crush on Arnold from Hey Arnold
The drive at 2:00am to Kinmundy
"Close your eyes!"
Sledding
You were with me when my two front teeth were knocked out
Rino
"Everybody Mingle"
Your monkey PJs...mine had mice on them
Lightyear, Buzz
Woods, Elle
"DUH....a big red truck"
You and CB's stupid Jelly Shoes
That time we tried to catch that Water Moccasin
Your eye patch
You wouldn't stay in the pool if anyone got out to go pee, because you were scared of alligators 
The Creepettes!
Mermaids in Grandma's pool
That time we took our pictures at the lake and made CB sit on the rock by herself

(These are just a few and these only go up until 2004...)

Today two things happened the the first thing I thought was "I need to text Lana and tell her that..." Then it hit me and my heart was broken..again. I can't believe that you are gone, I cry everyday because I miss your voice, your laugh, your stupid jokes, the fact that you didn't know what pumpkin cheesecake was, the inside jokes we talked about daily. 

I miss you Lonnie Doodle, I miss you so much, but I know that you are with Jesus, and that someday we will be together again. Thank you for being my best friend and making more memories with me than anyone else. 

I'm learning to live my life without you, but I feel like it is not getting any easier. Someday I'll be able to tell my children about you. The people outside of our family don't completely understand our relationship, we are so much more than best friends and so much more than cousins. 

I will never forget....I love you, my love! 

My Advice for Young Girls

1. Be classy, not trashy

2. It's okay to go a day without makeup

3. It's also okay to go a day without your phone (just make sure you tell your parents, so they don't think you're dead.

4. Don't throw yourself at boys

5. Don't flirt with other girls' boyfriends

6. Guys can be some of the best friends you'll find.

7. Spend A LOT of time with your parents and grandparents, I promise they have cooler things to say than you think.

8. Don't be embarrassed to go in public with them either.

9. Let your hair be natural, flat irons are overrated.

10. It's not cool or classy to brag about being drunk.

11. Treat people with respect

12. Have a girls night and eat lots of junk food.

13. It's okay to cry over a boy, just not too long.

14. Don't be ashamed of the things you love that aren't "cool."

15. Read romance novels

16. Paint your nails

17. You can tan too much.

18. Don't sleep in your makeup....EVER.

19. Don't date boys who don't treat you like a princess...but NEVER act like one.

20. Shake hands when you meet new people

21. Say please, thank you, ma'am, and sir.

22. Hold the door for people.

23. Having a guy open the car door for you is overrated, you can open your own door.

24. It's okay to have a Friday night in with your family.

25. Try hard in school

26. Always think about others before yourself

27. Don't use people

28. Don't make fun of people, it solves nothing.

29. Befriend the people who are made fun of.

30. Cartoons are better than reality TV.

31. Wear clothes that fit.

32. Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.

33. Name brands aren't worth the money.

34. Look good.....feel good.

35. Take vitamins

36. Learn to cook/bake.

37. Listen when people talk.

38. Be unique.

39. Dream big.

40. Have a great group of girls whom love the same stuff you do.  

Number One

I haven't blogged in so long I think I may have forgotten how to. 

Things are going great:
The Blues are number one in the league!!
I saw Pentatonix live yesterday and OH MY GOSH! It was the most perfect thing I have ever seen!!
Today is Matt's birthday, and we spent the day at the arcade.
My job is going really great, I love it and am making good money. 
I got a library card and have read some AMAZING books lately
The weather is finally staring to get nice.
Next week we are going to a Blues game.

Life is good.

Life is Good

Since we have been here I have gotten even more addicted to TV than I was before. Since everywhere these days only accepts online applications I never even got out of my PJ's to apply for jobs. I would apply for about 3 jobs a day while watching Star Trek, What Not to Wear, or Raising Hope. The fact that I didn't have a job was really getting me depressed and I was starting to go under. I didn't want to leave the house, or get dressed or anything. I was really awful. Matt would force me to put clothes on and we would go to the comic book shop and just look around and what not. But, those days are over because I GOT A JOB!!! I will be serving at a restaurant which I cannot wait to start. 

Matt and I have gotten addicted to a show called Arrow which is on Netflix, go watch it now!! It is literally one of the best shows I have ever watched. It is AMAZING!!! We also are really into The Food Network, we love Kitchen Nightmares, Restaurant Impossible, and Cutthroat Kitchen. We stay up until like 3am watching one of these shows. 

Life here is good, finally! I was starting to really stress about the job situation but God has provided, as he always does. 

Life is good!

Update...again

We have been here almost 2 weeks and that is insane! I am 100% in love with living here, I may never leave. Yesterday my sister drove 35 MINUTES and she was at my house, now remember she lives in STL so when I lived back home it was almost a 2 hour drive. we went to lunch and had a blast. Everything is so close to us, book stores, Best Buy, an amazing comic book shop that we have been to twice in two days. 

The job hunt is coming along, I have applied at a few day cares one is looking promising, so keep praying. Matt is enjoying his classes so far, he loves his theatre class, which he was really worried about. 

Everything is going well, we are getting used to where everything is and whatnot. 

What Has Been Going On!

Well, my last update was really really short and I apologize for that. This entry will be much more informative, so lets start all the way back with Christmas. 

Matt and I had a really nice Christmas. We spent Christmas Eve with my dad's family. We had a great dinner and opened gifts. We got gift cards, clothes, money, and a few other things. On Christmas day we went to my mom's mom's house and my whole family was there. It was loud and crazy like always. My grandma went crazy on the food like always, it was delicious. Last Christmas my grandma started quilting for the first time. It all started with her finding Grinch fabric and she got the idea to make a quilt for my Grinch obsessed cousin. After that one was done she decided to make another called a String Quilt, where you just take scraps of fabric and sew them altogether. I helped her make this one so she said I could have it. From there she decided to make all the grandgirls a quilt, then it turned into making the grandboys one, then the significant others of the grandkids, then it went to her kids. So, in total my grandma made 15 quilts in a year and gave them away for Christmas. It wasn't a surprise, we all knew we were getting them, some knew what theirs would look like and some did not. For the most part she made them with things each person liked (except me, my two aunts, and my mom.) She was so excited for each of us to see ours. 

Grinch

Puppies having Halloween!!!

Veggies, for my Vegetarian sister

My String

Baking stuff for my Chef brother

And of course Captain America for Matt

That night we went to Matt's grandpa's house and played games and ate chili. 

Between Christmas and New Years my best friend Amber, (whom now lives hours from me) and I made a trip to see our old teacher/coach/friend who just had a double lung transplant. Matt and I have always been close with Brandi and she has been sick her whole life. We have prayed for her and finally she got new lungs!! I was so happy Amber called me to go with her. Brandi looked better than I have seen her look in a really long time. 

Brandi is the one laying down. 

On New Years we went bowling with the radio station Matt worked at, I had not been bowling in a long time. It was so fun and I beat Matt all three time! After that we went to our friend Nathaniel's house and played games and Hide-n-Seek (a tradition we always do.) It was so great to ring in the new year with friends we have had a long time but hadn't hung out with in awhile. 

Matt hated this game

My Nath

We are one crazy group!

Photo Bombed!

We took our youth kids to Youth Encounter three days after Christmas, which was amazing. While I was there my right side really started itching, but I thought it was just an allergic reaction to something so I kept itching it and not really worrying about it. Well, it wouldn't go away so I showed my mom and she said she thought it was Shingles. She was right. I went to the doctor three days ago and I have been diagnosed with Shingles. My, however were opposite of how most people get them. My itched first, then got painful and burned, when usually it is the other way around. I have to take 5 pills a day for a week! This in turn, means that I have been moving with Shingles. OUCH!

Saturday we moved into our new place! Thanks to some amazing people in our church. It was stressful and overwhelming, but we made it! Our new home is bigger than we thought it would be, with a lot of storage space. I met two of our neighbors and they were wonderful! We are excited to start our new lives here and when this snow clears up, it is job hunting time (although I have already applied at 8 places.)

This is our balcony

We have had a super busy and stressful holiday season, but it has been wonderful. Thank you to those who have been so helpful financially, prayerfully, and physically. We could not have done it without you.

Until next time...I MISS YOU OLD CHURCH!!!